Living with your Heart; Using Empathy and Understanding to Grow and Nourish Relationships

Connecting with another human being can be a lot of things--daunting, exciting, calming or even annoying. When you get down to it, it's amazing that we are able to have the experience of consciousness itself. It 's fascinating that we get to have the experience of connecting and feeling for other people. It's even more amazing that we can have positive effects on ourselves and others by these connections. Simple as it may seem to go on about connecting, it's really no easy task for our brains and bodies. Without going into too much detail, just think about all the communications and micro-happenings going on in your body when you speak to another person.

We like to dwell in our egoistic consciousness which is why we tend to forget the very lively interconnecting events occurring inside and around us. Just to exist each day, our heart, our brain, gut, muscle joints, reproductive organs; every department in our bodies is working 24/7 with no full break. When another person is added to the mix plus you add in both your and their emotional content, you have more sensory information to process. This may be a reason why some people get overwhelmed or anxious around other people. Depending on what mood another person is in, if we tune into their emotions we'll begin to be able to process their feelings. Empaths are people who may be especially sensitive to others' energies and tend to absorb them by default. This is why sometimes we may feel different around other people. So isn't everyone an empath? Possibly, some people are not as sensitive by default to the emotions of others but that doesn't mean anyone is incapable of empathy. Most people are empathetic without realizing it, while others may be very withdrawn emotionally and may block and ignore the feelings of others. Some may be in between withdrawn and open. Luckily, no matter where you are on the empathy scale you can always develop and improve your emotional intelligence.

Why emotional intelligence helps to cultivate healthy relationships

When we go on neglecting or ignoring the intuitive messages of our world, we miss out on an experience rich with the deeper aspects of our conscious existence. Sure, it can be exhaustive to change the way we process and see people. However, it can be equally as frustrating when our internal biases block us from seeing the truth of a person or a situation. We can gain most from our relationships when we are willing to approach each interaction with openness and acceptance. When we are able to more fully comprehend someone else's perspective and tune into our own feelings as well, we can have a genuine image of what's happening in our relationships with ourselves and others. We can easily get caught up with being intelligent academically or we may award high praises to knowledge in business and technology fields. Emotional intelligence should be just as important as any other intelligence for it is our emotions which allow us to create meaning in our life. When we can connect the dots of our emotional experience on this planet, our lives will become more meaningful. Our emotional intelligence allows us to have fulfilling relationships because the insights drawn from this intelligence can diffuse arguments plus, it can save a lot of time and energy!

How to use understanding and empathy to develop healthier relationships

When we strive to find empathy and understanding in our platonic and romantic connections, we may find our connections with others to be deeper and more rewarding. Why? We have a bad habit of getting caught up in our own perspective, it can be de-stressing to let that go and to visit someone else's point of view. By opening up to other perspectives we expand our sense of understanding our world and our conscious experience. Take for example an argument with a spouse or romantic partner. Often misunderstandings are the root of most quarrels. Because we each were taught how to treat people both individually by our family but also collectively by society, we may assume and forget to actually check in with the other person to see what they're experiencing. Think you already do that? A good way to make sure you are is to simply asking the person. Until you've actually asked the other person how they feel or where they're coming from, all of your speculations of them are just that. Assumptions and speculations. No more, no less. I can't say how many times I've been in disagreements where it was clear the person had a particular view and perception that was based on their own egoistic material and not based on any information or perspective given by me the subject of their speculation. Frustrated by this pattern, I decided to start approaching all relationships and connections with more curiosity, especially when a disagreement was forming. I found that when I took the time to get really clear with the person and clarify what they were communicating it took the negative edge off the conversation. I also remind people that I acknowledge we may have different ways of using words and have varied reactions to different combinations of words. When I mindfully engage during a conversation and check in with people to clarify where they're coming from, the connection becomes more authentic. Here's 4 ways I believe we can use empathy to improve our relationships.

1. Instead of saying, "I know how you feel" to a friend, try to imagine how they might feel, and actually put yourself in their shoes. Ask them questions about what things made them feel how they did. We can try investigating rather than declaring we "get them" or we "understand". Again until a friend really gives us their perspective we can't truly be empathic of what our friend is going through.

2. Instead of saying "You're crazy, you're dumb, your’re (insult)" Try to take a step back if feeling frustrated with a conversation. When we take the time to process our emotions and what triggers us, we see more clearly what is happening within ourselves. We can then respond in healthier ways to uncomfortable situations. It can take time to re-train the brain to respond in this way, but it is worthwhile.

3. Become aware of the way the body and psyche responds to other people. Notice how you feel around your friends. Notice how you feel around strangers. Why do certain people make us feel one way and others make us feel a completely different way? We may even feel neutral around all people and we can still notice what that feels like too! Be careful not to make too many judgments too soon though. The way we were raised and brought up can tint the lenses of our perspectives and mislead us to preconceived notions about fellow human beings and the world around us.

4. Be flexible and think of any relationship as a boundless journey. We tend to think about relationships in a linear way. Someone is either the love of our life or not. Someone is either our friend or they are not. Someone is either a good spouse or a bad spouse, and so on. Relationships can transform and will change based on what decisions we make and how we chose to work together or to fall apart. Whether it's a friendship, a marriage or even a casual fling, all relationships require a degree of adaptability if one is to maintain a healthy balanced life. When we go into a relationship with little expectations, openness and an acceptance for what is...we come out of each experience with a newfound appreciation for the involved person. We can allow ourselves to live in the moment and enjoy it with them rather than be concerned with defining a category for the connection. In relationships, it's still important to remain open and allow wounds to heal, allow relationships space when needed and nourishment when needed. It can be hard to accept changes in our family, friends, and lovers especially if they are not positive changes. Embracing the difficult parts of any relationship allows each person involved to learn and reflect their experiences. The more we work in synergy with those around us, the more harmony we create for ourselves and the planet. And who doesn't want that?

Growing your garden

We talk about peace, we talk about love, we talk about understanding but are we planting what we are talking about? One way to really find out is to become more aware of ourselves. If we find we aren't living up to our ideals we can begin to actively create the kind of relationship garden we desire. We mustn't settle but rather accept the current state of our relationship garden. Maybe it's full of weeds, perhaps it's immaculately trimmed and watered. Maybe we've got two lousy dying plants. Whatever stage it's in, it's never too late to dig up the dirt and plant new seeds of success. Imagine the difference made by each healthy connection. Now imagine that spreading across the world because each person takes responsibility for their garden... now that's peace.